1. To the supposed former best friend. Ok. I get that we have always been in different places in our lives and that makes it tough to be 100% on the same page. And I have historically been the one to disagree with you when you decide we shouldn't be friends anymore. This push-pull has been going on for 14 years. With you constantly being the one to think that we should never talk again and me being constantly the one to think that friends are allowed to argue without it being the end of the damn world. But, maybe you're the one who's right and I'm the one that needs to back down. Because if you keep thinking that we are SOOOO incompatible that we can't even talk once a week as the best friends we are supposed to be, maybe it's true because that's how you want it to be. You know... my mom has a point and I have no reason to feel the need to apologize for the direction my life has taken and for how happy I am. Plus this whole bullshit about you being pissed about me and Dan? Several comments: a) you were a total bitch to me every time I tried to bring him up to tell you something was happening, b) you liked him 12 YEARS AGO, c) you're MARRIED, d) you REALLY don't like him now, and finally e) YOU FUCKING TOLD ME THAT YOU DECIDED YOU WERE A LESBIAN!!! So... don't even try to act like this is about him. There is something else going on that you are pissed about and are too chicken to tell me. But... instead, here I sit... Really mad and wanting to tell you all this, but I can't tell you because every time there is one little thing that I want to bring up I have to worry that you are going to send me a vague text about how you want to kill yourself and then you won't answer your phone for a week. And don't EVEN get me started on how I'm not allowed to have any other close friends because Kelly and Natalie threaten you somehow. So thanks for that. For never letting me be able to feel like *I* have a best friend... who *I* can talk to when I feel like there is something wrong. No. That gets to be you. So, I suppose you are right. Our friendship cannot work like this. Also, thanks for making me so upset about all of this, that I am now, more than I think I would have already, sabotaging my relationship. I hope that makes you happy.
2. To the doomed relationship partner. Though unfair, I am really annoyed that you are acting all hurt that this is happening. I warned you time and time again that I suck at relationships, I hate feeling tied down, and am nontraditional to a fault. I'm mad that you're so surprised that this is happening. It's all making me just find other faults which are not yours that I am attributing to you. I am annoyed by all sorts of little things. Small behaviors... the terms of endearment... the blind agreement with everything I say. I was not supposed to meet you. I was not supposed to start to like you. And you, certainly, were not supposed to like me. Let alone fall in love with me. Love?!?! Really?!?! I'm annoyed that you put that on me and now it's my fault and I'm the douchebag for not liking or appreciating it. I told you before I agreed to be partnered to you (which, by the way, happened when I was drunk and I really regretted it the next day) that I was really into women. I really don't want this to be my fault and I'm really annoyed that it feels like it is.
3. To the new friends who dislike each other. Just stop it. I waited so long to find cool friends and now that I have, it turns out you all haven't liked each other since before I met you?? Dammit. I just wanted to have cool friends to hang around with and there is already baggage... Fuck.
4. To me. For the usual. Self-sabotaging patterns. The fake attempts at recommitment. The slipping back into gluttonous and sloth-like patterns. All the things that do not make you happy and yet you gravitate towards. Your inability to confront problems directly and to eschew responsibility for your faults. For not knowing your core identity. For not having it figured out. For externalizing that onto others. For not being patient enough with yourself. And for sitting here, doing nothing, and whining about shit instead of fixing it.
So. I'm annoyed. Just one of those days. Here's hoping that tomorrow and next week will be better... It helps that I do not have any patient craziness scheduled til Wednesday.
