So, I’ve been really into astrophysics lately. More so than usual. To the point where I project that others are really starting to be all like, “wow, Nicole is pretty obsessed.” I don’t think it’s just because of watching Cosmos and The Universe and Nova scienceNOW and stuff on Netflix and having a more than unhealthy relationship with xkcd… well, that’s part of it… But I’m sure I’m seeking that out for a reason.
The quick go-to answers may be the precise calculations, relatively irrefutable laws of physics, the cold logic, the seemingly unchangeable facts.
But the more my amateur interest teaches me, the more I learn how chaotic and unpredictable redefine-able EVERYTHING is. Including the math and science.
Like most people, I’m sure, I want order, predictability, and to follow a clear trajectory. Which, sure, may have spawned an initial interest in math and science. But, in a completely counterintuitive way, it’s this exact precision that has helped me to accept ambiguity in life. The more confident I became in facts of the universe, the more clearly I could see all the unknowns.
It’s odd to think how small my world used to be. Only a handful of people with whom I ever interacted. A slowly expanding network that has led me from my small nuclear family to my comparatively large compounds of social and academic bonds.
Things seemed so clear to me in Spokane. Following relatively straightforward and predictable rules. Go to school. Make friends. Mind your parents. Get good grades. Go to college. Easy. Known.
But in looking at the individual unit, me, broken down into its subcomponents, the world is far more complex. And I don’t mean in the emo “look-at-me-so-complex-and-misunderstood” kind of way. I mean in general. Just like how subatomic particles behave in VERY strange and paradoxical ways, so too does human behavior and motivation.
The closer I look at myself, the more confused it can seem. And while I can accept that, and even find humor in it, it can be incredibly maddening. I sit here, on my deck, on the one of the most beautiful Independence Days enjoying at my (boastfully) amazing view of Chicago, feeling somewhat sure of things and waxing philosophic on my life. Until my neighbor above me comes out onto their deck and overwaters their plants and subsequently, waters me. Yanking me from the abstract to the concrete. I was initially pissed, thinking about how fucking disrespectful people can be, until I realized how something like that is a perfect unknown.
It’s actually funny. And maybe what I needed to not overthink my day. I just got a phone call and made plans. The kind I typically sabotage, but now, firmly rooted in the concrete and still damp from the unexpected shower, I think it will be ok. Chaotic and confusing, but ultimately ok.
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